I've Fucking Had It..

Today I'm not in a good mood so I figured I might as well get some shit off my chest! And I'm at the point I don't give a rats ass who reads it. I've held this in for a long time and I've had it! 

When Shawn and I started dating over 3 years ago, I was more then excited cause hes such a good guy, treats me 100 times better then I'd ever been treated. He has a close knit family and I loved that. Anybody that knows me knows how big of a family person I am. So I was excited, I had an amazing man and an amazing group of people I could call my family too. Or so I though.

Well for the most part we all got along really well. I'd known his oldest brother  before I got to know everyone else, And I considered him to be one of my Best Friends. Well while getting to know everybody his oldest sister and I, lets just say you could feel tension between the two of us. Why I don't know. So for the past 3 years, it's been the same shit it doesn't seem to be getting better. I've tried, and tried and tried. And all I get in return is the door slammed back in my face every time. She goes through her moments where she will talk to me, mind its on the computer, and every once in a while I'd get a text. That's it. And in person, It's like I've got the fucking plague. I've never done anything wrong to her... Oh wait ya I did. I took her brother away from her.  Just cause everyone else plays into the me, me, me bullshit, I REFUSE to bend over backwards to kiss her ass. I'm Shawn's wife, you may not fucking like me, But you WILL fucking Respect me. You can talk all the shit you want about everybody else, but I'm not going to put up with it any more. Just cause I married Shawn that doesn't give you a free pass or the right to treat me like shit. And I'm beyond sick and fucking tired of hearing everyone say that Shawn deserves much better. Well guess what? If he wasn't happy he would have left a long fucking time ago. I'm not forcing him to stay. So stop fucking talking  shit. It's his life let him live it. You don't understand, but once you get married you just might understand. Shawn is my family, He comes first I put him before everyone else. He should do the same. So don't expect him to jump through hoops to fucking please you, cause it won't happen. We have a life too. So don't pretend to be my friend and then as soon as I'm around you do a complete 180. You snub me every time you see me, I say hi and you just keep walking. Or we show up to family events and you don't say two fucking words to me. You can talk shit about everyone else and they let you be buddy buddy with them, Well guess what? if that's what you're expecting from me, you're barking up the wrong tree. And now you wonder why I act the way I do? Or you wonder what you did?  You have this huge chip on your fucking shoulder like everyone fucking owes you. Well guess what I don't owe you shit. I didn't marry you or anyone else, I Married Shawn. You guys are a bonus.

If your pissed cause we moved out to Nevada, get over it. You wasn't the one paying our rent, power bill, water bill, putting gas in our cars, food in our house, Nothing. It was a mutual agreement that Shawn and I both made. I didn't hold a fucking gun to his head, or force him to go. It was a long process, with a lot of talks, Figuring out all the pros and cons. And we both agreed to do it. So if that's what your pissed about too fucking bad. We moved out here so that I could focus on going back to school full time. And Shawn was offered more hours. So we left. The whole time we lived in Salt Lake you always bitched you never got to see him, but you only came to our apartment once, that was when we first moved in. And you know damn well that you guys were always welcome to come over, even now that we live in Nevada. The invite hasn't gone anywhere. So you have nobody to blame but yourself for not seeing him. It's a two way street, So either drive on it or get the fuck off..

From this point on I'm tired of being fucking nice to everyone, if you don't like me why should I waste my time? If you don't like what I have to say, or what Shawn and I do, tough shit. We are living our lives for us, nobody else.  So if this pisses you off, Well you know where the Delete Button is. Please don't let me hold you back, You deleting me is only doing me a favor..

~Tiffany~

She Calls Herself A Mother???

Okay So like I warned in my very first blog. Here is one of my blogs that I am going to vent...

So for those of you who don't know my Egg Donor and I have been fighting on and off since 2006. Let me take you guys back so you totally understand where I'm coming from. Growing up with my mother was difficult. Being the middle child yet the oldest girl I had a lot of responsibility put upon me. Now back to 2006. That's the year my parents got divorced. My mother was always in the casinos gambling, she would gamble away vehicle payments, insurance payments, you name it she was spending the bill money to keep the lights on at the casinos. So when she would lose all that who did she come running to? Graham and I. So of course because she was our mother and we cared we would give her the money to cover the bills because she just blew it all.. In August of 2006 that's when my dad asked her for a divorce after 25 years of marriage. And in all honesty I don't know how he stuck it out with her that long. So in the middle of packing and finding someplace else to live, my mother was too busy out blowing what little money she had, then once that was gone she would borrow off my brother and I. So after my parents divorce was finalized I decided so that I could keep in contact with my mother I would add her to my cell plan. WHAT A HUGE MISTAKE! Well Britney and I moved to Slc, and my mother and Graham moved down to Vegas to live with her then boyfriend. Well Britney and I decided to go down to Vegas to visit. Well while I was down in Vegas I really wanted to move there to be closer to them. Well all seemed to be going well till right before Thanksgiving. Low and behold her boyfriend kicked us out knowing we had no place to go. So while in Vegas my mother gambled away what money we had to get us all to Slc, Utah. And we became homeless. Sleeping in our cars, going without eating for a week, brushing our teeth in a nasty public bathroom. Well because my worthless mother has screwed everyone else over nobody was willing to help us. Well I finally it took me getting over my pride and asking for help. If it wasn't for Wayne & Courtney, we would have never made it to Mesquite, Nv. Well in the mix of being homeless in Vegas to moving to Mesquite, my mother met some guy on Myspace whom lived in Africa. Well she racked up a cell phone bill of $800.00 calling Africa. Well this was the start of when we first started to fall apart. So now with my phone getting shut off, the bill went to 1300.00+. To this day she still owes me for the phone bill she racked up, and lord knows I'll never see the money. Well we've been on and off. Well now it's June 2009 and I hadn't had any contact with her for almost a year. Then out of the blue she calls my phone to let me know that my Uncle Richard had passed away. I was already stressed to the max, I had 6 weeks till my wedding and I had nothing planned or put together! So She asked me if I needed any help, well dumb fuck me lets her back in.  But I told her that this was her last chance, she stabs me in the back or does anything I don't like she is gone for good. So now it's the most important day of my life, my Wedding Day. Everything so I thought was going good. My wedding turn out amazing, My mother made sure she was in every picture. Now I sit here today wishing I would have never let her back in. I can't take that day back, I wish I would have stood my ground and tell her that she was not welcome. So now I have all the wedding photos that I want to burn because she is in all of them. But I can't burn them because they are my wedding photos. I'm constantly telling Shawn I'm sorry that she was there. I wish I could take it back. Now Shawn and I are in our own place and she is constantly around trying to be a mother, when in fact I don't want her around. But every kept telling me Tiff that's your mother. I listened to her talk shit on my brother, my sister, my husband and my father. I finally had it. Well now here we are within the last 6-7 months I've cut off all communication with her. Before I cut her out completely I load her 40 dollars for food, and she told me she would pay me back 50 when her new husband got paid. Okay not a big deal. Well his payday rolls around and she calls me trying to avoid paying me she said they screwed up on Robs check and she wanted to know if I could wait another 2 weeks. Well I finally stood my ground and told her no. Well she got real shitty with me and hung up. Well she came by to pay me then she left. Heading to Slc to buy another vehicle. But they screwed up on his check. Well she told everyone that if I asked they didn't see her in Slc, like it was a big secret. She was ignoring my calls and text so that pissed me off even more. So once I finally talked to her she said a lot of hurtful words to me that made my decision of cutting her out of my life a no brainer. She had the nerve to say to me, I have no goals in life, I'll never amount to anything, I don't deserve to have kids, I wouldn't make a good mother, And having me was a mistake. Excuse me bitch?? Where does she get off telling me I wouldn't make a good mother? She was never around I raised her fucking kids. And I'm a mistake? Well if I'm a mistake kick fucking rocks bitch. You don't need to know whats going on with me or my family. Well now Graham isn't talking to her, she called him a disappointment. And said that she should have aborted all of us. I don't know where she gets off. Now shes trying to pull a pitty party with everyone, saying that we are Ungrateful Brats just totally bashing us. So at this point I gave my sister the ultimatum of either me or our mother. Only because I know how my mother works. Well Britney chose me. So now today she is going around to my sisters friends wife spreading lies, saying that Britney slept with him, and that he's wanting to leave his wife for Brit. Just all around stirring the pot. All I have to say is that this Bitch who calls herself a MOTHER has a lot of fucking nerve. She's screwed up our lifes growing up, She isn't going to do it anymore. She better watch herself because now she is barking up the wrong tree. I'm tired of her hurting us. I'm tired of seeing the hurt in my families eyes because our Egg Donor is a cunt. She thinks she has done right by us when in fact she failed! 

Ugh, I am so mad right now. My mother has caused me a lot of problems. A lot of them have come from growing up and the shit she put me through.  Anybody who knows me knows how deep my hurt and anger goes. But I'm determined to be 1,000,000 times better then she ever was and has been.  I've got all I need in my life now. Amazing friends, family, nieces, nephews.

Well before I go on and on all night I'm going to end this for now. I'll write more tomorrow. 

The First Of Many To Come.

Okay so I've decided to start this blog to have my own place to vent and to get some stuff off my chest. So for starters this is my blog, there will be a lot of me venting, I'm sure some of my blogs won't be pleasant but this is my place to get everything off my chest, with no regrets and no repercussions. So in saying that, if you don't want to read what I have to say, you know where to exit! I didn't create this blog for sympathy or a hand out. I've created this blog to help me clear my head and to get some much needed stress off my chest. I seem to be able to just let my feelings and thoughts go when I'm typing or when I decide to write. So what better way to do it then this!

 So I'm just going to start for a minute then I'm off to bed. The past few months have taken a toll on me that's for sure. Shawn and I moved, lost our amazing friend and old neighbor Kylle back in March. And of course that hit me really hard. And my Egg and Uterus donor and I have been fighting for months. Well she decided to take it too far, and now she is out of my life for good. But I'll talk about that in another blog. Maybe tomorrows. 

Well as most of you know around the end of August 2010, I made one of the biggest decisions of my life. I decided to quit my good paying job, Shawn and I gave up our own apartment, and we decided as a married couple to move back to Elko, Nevada so that I could go back to school. It took a lot of sleepless night and a lot of tears, but both Shawn and I agreed that it would be a great thing. I would finally be able to do something that I've wanted to do for a long time. So I gave up my job, Shawn got a transfer with his job. We packed up our home, and left Salt Lake City, Utah. Leaving behind a lot of family, friends, and everything else you could imagine, so that we could live in my dads spare trailer, and I can could back to school. Well I had plans of starting College the beginning of 2011. And what a surprise, things haven't started off as planned. It has been one set back after another. I've had too much time to talk myself out of it, then talk myself back into it and so on! Well now as I sit here tonight, I'm proud to say that I will be starting my journey into college starting Fall Semester! I just have a few loose ends to tie up and then this girl will be a College student! I've decided to Major in Human Services, working with people with drug problems. It's a 2 year program to get my Associates Degree. I'm stoked. I'm hoping one day it will lead to something on the lines of A&E's show Intervention. So please wish me luck! Because for the first little while I'm sure I'm going to need it! Out of everybody in my family the only person to go to college has been my dad. So I want to be the first to Graduate besides him. Just for once in my life want to hear and know that someone is proud of me. I want someone to say they look up to me. I just want to know that I'm doing the right thing for once in my life. I Don't think that's too much to ask for. So lets begin this journey and pray that I get all the things I've asked for! I know I haven't been the easiest person to be proud of and to love. But I've given my all. And if that's not good enough for anyone then I don't think I'll ever be good enough. So I'll throw up deuces and walk away.. Well I've got Shawn waiting on me to go to bed, so I guess I better start wrapping this up!  So if you've mad it this far, I want to personally Thank You for reading what I have to say, It means a lot to me. 

I really want to say a big Thank You to my husband Shawn. We have been together a little over 3 years now, and married for almost 2. I can't believe it will be 2 years on July 4th. It's gone by too fast. And I know this sounds so cliché but seriously if it wasn't for Shawn, I have no idea where I'd be today. He came into my life when I was at my lowest, and needed that one special person in my life to help me out of this black hole that seemed to consume me. I was right there on the edge of giving up on myself, and then here came Shawn. I decided to lay everything out on the table and told him from day 1 that, These are my problems, this is what I'm going through, If you don't want to stand by my side and love me for me, and help me help myself. Then I'm not the girl for you. Well that was 3 years ago and here I stand probably the happiest I've ever been. Now don't get me wrong, It's a battle everyday within myself to get out of bed, to love myself, to try and convince myself that today will be better then yesterday. But I have Shawn to help me through it! Shawn is my rock, my heart & soul. Without him I don't know what I would do. Yes we have our fights, and it takes me a few days to calm down. But in those few day of me cooling off, he has NEVER walked out on me. I'm sure he's wanted to our thought about it. And I'm sure certain people wish he would. BUT GUESS WHAT?? HE'S STILL HERE AND SO AM I. SO GET USED TO IT, BECAUSE IT ISN'T CHANGING ANYTIME SOON.. I Love You Babe. Thank You for being you, for never giving up on me and for loving me unconditionally. I know I'm not perfect, but you still manage to dig deep inside me everyday to see the woman that's been hiding for so long. You still tell me everyday that You Love Me, That I'm Beautiful. I wish I could see through your eyes to see what it is you see in me. Hopefully one day I can love myself as much as you love me..

Well I've managed to upset myself, and the tears are flowing. So I think I'm going to end this blog for tonight. And again I Thank those of you whom are still reading this.. 

Signed With Love, ღ Tiffany ღ